Balls
by cheeselord
Summary: A simple visit to the doctor can be a lot of fun... specially when you put the 11th and 4th captains together. KenpachixUnohana Oneshot, a few corrections, nothing too fancy.


**You dont know the things that a bleach overdose can make you do... A CRACK . I warn you that english is my second language so I basically such a little at grammar. You are warned.**

**I dont own bleach as you may know**

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Balls

He was sitting in the damn infirmary of the fourt division… again.

"Fucking yumi" Zaraki Kenpaci murmured with a raspy voice between a few (lot) of coughs.

That morning after being sent for a three day (mostly because his poor sense of direction)hunt under the fucking rain to find a hollow that ended being a pansy and fun less fight, the great Kenpachi returned to his quarters only to be confronted by the gayish boy that was his fifth seat arguing that he looked like shit. Of course that he was exaggerating his condition; a few coughts, feeling that your flesh was burning in hell, a blurry vision and constant shivers where nothing. But somehow he convinced Yachiru that his "Ken-chan" wasn't right and that he was so stubborn to go to Weird-braid-chan to get treatment that he was going to die in the near future. The brat (carrying behind her a mysterious bag full of candy) soon started to annoy him out of his fucking mind. Even he, the most powerful shinigami couldn't withstand the pink menace behind him saying without rest "KEN CHAN IS GOING TO DIE" for an entire day... she even tormented him by talking in her sleep. How could the futaicho continue to annoy him even when unconscious was a mystery. Any weak soul would become mad in the very first hour and tear their very own ears in their madness, but he simply replied with and 'Ok, Im going'. And the next thing he knew he was there, sitting on some bed, waiting for the sole healer in the entire gotei 13 that didn't shiver in his presence and didn't fainted under his a glare. There in the floor, rested five or six weaklings that have failed to even go near to him in order to see what the hell was wrong ... another three added when they tried bravely to retrieve their fellow division buddies.

"Zaraki-taicho, how are we feeling today?" said such healer entering the door of the room with her immutable smile and avoiding to stomp in her subordinates.

"Fucking fine" was all that Zaraki could say in his defense before beginning coughing without control and in result gaining an arched eyebrow.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah I´m…." but he couldn't finish because the coughs began one more time.

"Zaraki-taicho…" Unohana said like demanding for the truth

"OK, I'm feeling like shit!"

"Zaraki- taicho, please watch your vocabulary"

"Like crap?"

"Not good enough"

"Fucking sick?"

"Mhhhh…"

"….Fuck- I mean, very sick?"

"I guess that it is good enough. Okay Zaraki-taicho, if you please remove your top vestments"

"Che, in a hurry to see me naked?" Teased Zaraki while throwing his things next to him, although it lost most of its charm because the raspy and sick voice that said it

"In a hurry to make you leave before you make more of my subordinates faint" Replied Retsu while taking her stethoscope out of a bag with tools that went unnoticed by Zaraki until that very moment. He shivered a little after feeling the cold metal touch his bare back.

"You know that's cold don't you?" he replied feeling a little upset. He could deal with a sword piercing his skin and muscle but he couldn't deal with that little piece of cold metal on his skin.

"Could you take a deep breath?" Unohana asked completely ignoring the comment and Kenpachi obeyed.

She listened carefully and to tell the truth, Kenpachi didn't hate that much the exams like this. Feeling the delicate hands of the female captain was a lot more pleasing than having surgery or having a bunch of incompetent and scared underlings scrambling and not knowing what to do and constantly screwing it up. One time he had to have twice surgeries a day because in the first one a fool accidentally dropped a scalpel in his stomach while sewing it up. The poor fool suffered… a lot. Suddenly the warm hands retrieved themselves and Kenpachi felt somewhat… disappointed. She made a few annotations in a small notebook and mumbled something about some medicines that could work and maybe a medicinal tea. Her characteristically smile never disappearing.

"Kusajishi-futaicho also mentioned something about a high fever " Unohana commented.

"Tch" was the solely response. How he could forget her little hand slapping his forehead while she tried to imitate Yumi-fucking-chika. Those both were going to pay. It wasn't a surprise that Retsu, being the experienced healer she was, didn't slapped his forehead and instead laid a gentle touch.

"Oh my god, you're so hot that I could fry an egg in your forehead¡" Unohana replied, losing some cool because she was LITERALLY burned by Kenpachi's forehead.

"It is a creepy compliment Retsu, thanks, I guess" Said the 11th captain with one of his characteristically shark grins. The fact that Retsu blushed didn't helped him to contain his laugh. Man, if it was one lifetime moment he was going to enjoy it to the very last.

"Zaraki-taicho" she said above the maniac laugh and after getting a hold of herself. "Maybe you would want to withstand the surgery we last discussed?" And suddenly a very dark aura surrounded the room.

"Eh- no thanks Retsu" Said Kenpachi with an expression that could only be translated as _"the closest thing to being scared"_ for the reckless captain. After all, he liked his balls being attached to his body.

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**So, how was it?**

**_Author note:_ **

**So, I corrected a few mistakes, hopefully I didn'd make it worse. Just as a last comment, I really hate the people that makes a critic but the critic only says sh*t and it doesnt help to make a better story, but dont let that stop you from reviewing.  
**


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